Finding Myself: Leaving Tokyo (30 days and counting)
I arrived in Toyko approximately 11 months ago, ostensibly to study Japanese culture (i.e. language) as a foreign exchange student with 2 art degrees and a total 7 years of university education under my belt. Given the fact that there was little relation between my Fine Art degrees and what I would be required to study here (electives notwithstanding, of course), I felt that my primary goal would be to "find myself".
I considered this study leave as my last hoorah before starting life in the Real World of 9-5 jobs and non-existent summer vacations. If there were any other goals in my life that I wanted to attain, I would do my best to plan my future towards them while I was here. In other words, I came to Tokyo to *think*.
Considering the fact that I broke up with my ex-boyfriend (whom I was with for a whopping 7 years), and that I would be away from my mother who was, as is common among any person bereft of a Y chromosome, the biggest influence in my life, this time alone proved an excellent opportunity to find out what I really wanted in life.
I was no longer my mother's daughter, no longer Nathan's girlfriend-- for the first time in my life, I had no one to please but myself. My mother, as all mothers tend to be towards their children, tended to be on the "freakishly controlling" side. She had an idea about how I should wear my hair (quite long and chemically straightened), how much I should weigh (always less than what I currently was), and how I should dress (girly and a bit on the dressy side). And, oh! What boundless criticism I would receive if I strayed from her purported ideal.
Nathan, on the other hand, never criticized my appearance. He did, however, "require" a girlfriend who was as physically fit as himself, which is why at 24, I have a fifth degree black belt in Arnis that I'll probably never use for anything. During my time with him, I spent more hours in a day training than painting. All well and good for him-- as a sports science major, it's right up his alley. But I was an artist, and the time I spent doing sports was time I should have spent honing my craft.
I could have said "No", of course, but at the time I didn't even notice that I was living other people's dreams.
During my time in Tokyo, I was isolated. I speak passable Japanese but not enough to hold any sort of meaningful conversation, and thus spent the time relearning what *I* enjoy doing, instead of doing what everybody around me likes.
I went to design fairs and art shows and museums. I kept my hair page-boy short and loved it every day. I painted more than I exercised and I grew leaps and bounds as an artist. I stopped checking my weight everyday. I stopped going on diets. I danced, loved, and sang (badly, because some things never change-- not even in the land of karaoke).
And I lived life as myself.
I may not have decided what I want to do with my life yet, but at the very least I know that I'm making the choice as myself.
Japan is a strange, beautiful, frightening, awe-inspiring, racist, perfect, flawed, angry, polite country.
I'm going home in 30 days. :)
I considered this study leave as my last hoorah before starting life in the Real World of 9-5 jobs and non-existent summer vacations. If there were any other goals in my life that I wanted to attain, I would do my best to plan my future towards them while I was here. In other words, I came to Tokyo to *think*.
Considering the fact that I broke up with my ex-boyfriend (whom I was with for a whopping 7 years), and that I would be away from my mother who was, as is common among any person bereft of a Y chromosome, the biggest influence in my life, this time alone proved an excellent opportunity to find out what I really wanted in life.
I was no longer my mother's daughter, no longer Nathan's girlfriend-- for the first time in my life, I had no one to please but myself. My mother, as all mothers tend to be towards their children, tended to be on the "freakishly controlling" side. She had an idea about how I should wear my hair (quite long and chemically straightened), how much I should weigh (always less than what I currently was), and how I should dress (girly and a bit on the dressy side). And, oh! What boundless criticism I would receive if I strayed from her purported ideal.
Nathan, on the other hand, never criticized my appearance. He did, however, "require" a girlfriend who was as physically fit as himself, which is why at 24, I have a fifth degree black belt in Arnis that I'll probably never use for anything. During my time with him, I spent more hours in a day training than painting. All well and good for him-- as a sports science major, it's right up his alley. But I was an artist, and the time I spent doing sports was time I should have spent honing my craft.
I could have said "No", of course, but at the time I didn't even notice that I was living other people's dreams.
During my time in Tokyo, I was isolated. I speak passable Japanese but not enough to hold any sort of meaningful conversation, and thus spent the time relearning what *I* enjoy doing, instead of doing what everybody around me likes.
I went to design fairs and art shows and museums. I kept my hair page-boy short and loved it every day. I painted more than I exercised and I grew leaps and bounds as an artist. I stopped checking my weight everyday. I stopped going on diets. I danced, loved, and sang (badly, because some things never change-- not even in the land of karaoke).
And I lived life as myself.
I may not have decided what I want to do with my life yet, but at the very least I know that I'm making the choice as myself.
Japan is a strange, beautiful, frightening, awe-inspiring, racist, perfect, flawed, angry, polite country.
I'm going home in 30 days. :)